s.a. ; conquer

[ as you read this, open your mind’s eye, and let your imagination show you what i saw, what i felt. however, i must give you a trigger warning: suicidal thoughts. i promise it ends up alright. i’ll explain myself in the end if you’d like to read that too. ]

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the clock ticks incessantly, reading a time too far gone into the night but far too early for morning. it entrances me; my empty gaze focuses on nothing. somehow, my eyes drift over to the balcony door. there’s a tug in my chest that pulls me closer until i’m standing before it. i pause to stare at my reflection on the glass, but i can’t make out a face. my hand unconsciously grips the handle.

i open it.

one step onto the open balcony and my hair is already brushed away by the wind. it seeks my exposed skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. i’m forced to clench my teeth in order to fight back a shiver. the patter of raindrops offers to wash yesterday away; the sound is comforting — the smell, fresh and clean. drops come in pinpricks. the wind is neither gentle nor harsh, but it seems to curve into me. at its coaxing, i follow its lead.

another step forward.

the city flickers impatiently, as though waiting for the familiar heat to graze it once more. the twilight is subtle. the silence had no hold here; its place had been taken by the white noise only a city could provide, with the rain in tune like a duet. a dull half-moon keeps watch over those who were resting and those who were restless. the streetlights remain on, of course. but i’m not just looking out.

i’m staring down.

i see the distance of twenty-three floors lengthen. my left foot takes yet another step forward, and my right follows. fingers clamp onto the rusted railing, and it bites back with ice.

then i’m frozen.

the wind is whispering, yet it screams in my mind. it throttles me with poorly sugarcoated thoughts.

‘imagine if you jumped. the feeling of flying. the feeling of falling. swimming in the rain. i’ll rush past your ear like encouragements to continue your downward spiral. the earth crashing into your very soul. how much fun it’ll be. how exhilarating it would feel.’

it croons and caresses and cajoles, but i find myself rooted in the tiles. i start imagining where i would land. that makes me teeter — was the wind pushing me? was i allowing it? — but the off-balance was enough.

my recoil from the railing sends me backward. with a newfound desperation, i shove open the door and dash inside. my thoughts were collected enough to have the sense to close it gently. when had my hands started to shake? my gaze lands on my reflection once more. the dim nightlight offers enough illumination this time.

i see my eyes. i see the dark circles underneath them. i see how dazed i had become. but they were not broken. and that thought was enough to let me breathe again.

the next night, the balcony beckons me once more.

but i was done complying.

Continue reading “s.a. ; conquer”

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from a to z

though your heart may be choked
and your lungs may be strangled,

still your blood sings His song
and your breath lives for Him.

( purpose. )

your beauty runs deeper
than just a pretty face —
there is something divine
in a soul bared with humility.

( 1 peter 3:4 )

when you had nothing,
you still gave;
when you had everything,
you still received.

( blessings )

but your smile was not just
a curve of the lips;
it was warm, like the sun on a rainy day.
it was comforting, like a stuffed animal you could never give up.
it was yours.

( and that was more than enough. )

age.

i’m growing up.
i feel it when the scars of days past sink into my skin.
i see it when i look in the mirror, and my eyes are not as innocent.
i hear it in my voice, and i don’t recognize my words.
( or is it the other way around? )

it’s not all bad.
my relatives tell me i’ve gotten taller.
my family tells me i’ve gotten stronger.
my friends don’t tell me anything.
( is that a good thing? )

it’s inevitable.
then why am i fighting it?
why am i so desperate to turn back the clock?
why am i so terrified of numbers greater than nineteen?
( i don’t know that i know why. )

do i want my independence day?
i’m scared of being alone.

Continue reading “age.”

typewritten.

img002 (2)i’m so scared of
the earthquakes that come
from my own
heartbeat;
because just when i think
that everything’s okay,
you show up again.
an it’s enough to make my
world fall apart.

s.a.  ;  natural disaster

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when you first took your needle
and stitched up my wounds,
i welcomed your
careful sutures.
but now there are seams on my lips
and threads through my eyelids.

i used to wonder why
you left my ears to hear;
but when i hear honey dripping,
i wish you didn’t

s.a.  ;  tied to you

the other side of a broken heart

so often are words written in favor of
the broken,
the abandoned,
the forgotten.

but those who did the breaking,
did the abandoning, did the forgetting,
what happens to them?
what did they feel?
what did they seek?

were they truly brutal and cold,
or did they fumble with pulling the trigger?
were they a consuming fire,
or a rain that turned into a flood?

what if they didn’t want to hurt you,
but they couldn’t see any other way
to get out of the cage?

no, i am not justifying the actions of all.

i am only reasoning for the actions
of my own heart.

s.a.  ;  heartbreaker

Continue reading “the other side of a broken heart”

from today

[ there was a nice amount of inspiration today. ]

i’ve spent too long seeking
others’ approval
before i had the sense
to find my own.

s.a. ; don’t make the same mistake

i see those empty spaces,
and it only makes it harder for me
to wish away the need the longing
to be there beside you.

s.a. ; open seats

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there’s no better sunset
than one
spent with you.

s.a. ; home missing home

unveil

you have no more silken sheets to hide your scales.
you have no more sweet incense to cover your scent.

i have seen those shining eyes.
i have heard your silver tongue.

your kiss, a pleasant poison.
your touch, a beautiful blade.

( but your seduction will not work here. )

s.a.  ;  sinful

magnify.

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the cracks in the walls are there
to remind us
of how close we always are
to breaking.

( open wounds don’t heal easily. )

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drive a nail through my skin —
i’ll count it as a welcome battle scar;
i’ll have it as a stinging reminder.

( what story shall i tell? )

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once we fall,
we will truly experience
the world.

( perfection is not found here. )

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entangle me
in your coarse embrace.

( choke me with your love. )

Continue reading “magnify.”

white noise & silences

[ originally written down, this piece consists of rambling tbh. ]

fill me with white noise,
so i never have to feel empty.
shake this silent house with screams,
so there’s no space for anything more.

because the moment we pause,
our masks begin to crumble.
the moment we hesitate,
our puppet strings snap.

( i find it oddly poetic how
silence holds the most emotion —
nothing grasping something.
and we so desperately hate it. )

how can nothing still keep something
while i cannot even keep you close in my arms?
the ringing in my ears shrieks louder.
( did i say that out loud? )

the silence, it makes you think.
the quiet, it makes you dream.
but its too much too much too much.
so fill me with white noise.



[ post scriptum. ]

but we don’t scream.
we don’t yell.

so we tumble into our own
abysses of “whys” and “what if’s,”
oblivious to the fact that the only one
who could pull me out was you
and you, me.